Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
