I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
