She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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