I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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