I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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