so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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