I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
