I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
