i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
