I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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