My cat gives me a boner
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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