My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
...so i touched it.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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