If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my sisters under your porch take her home
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize