you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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