saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
