I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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