Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
