I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
