tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Still dying that you shit outside
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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