My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
