I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
