Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
