Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
