I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
