The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
