last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
