so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
