I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
