I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This is classic penis vs brain.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
