I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
