Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
