Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
