Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
