its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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