ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
where are you?
Hypothermia
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
