I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
