They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
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