I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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