I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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