dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
