Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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