the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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