life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
