just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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