Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
