I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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