a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
