i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
