Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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