Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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