Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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