Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize