I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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