Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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