Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
