Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
