i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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