At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
