A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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